Stealth mode is to games what the brokeback pose is to comics. It’s the Rob Liefeld of game design, mysteries wrapped in enigmas wrapped in how in the hell are you even doing that come on now.
I’m a croucher. I admit it. Especially in a game I’m just learning, I take the slow approach, sneaking, peering around. If I can snipe, I’m gonna snipe from the greatest distance possible; if not, I’m stretching range on my other weapons or learning to maximize the arc of my grenades. I value my personal health. Caution, thy name is Alisha. But this does mean a lot of time crouched for stability, or crouched for sneaking, or just in general skating around on my knees, apparently, because sometimes, I’m not sure bodies are actually bodies in video games.
But because a lot of the games I play are first-person, I don’t notice how ridiculous stealth mode is until I pick up a third-person title, and then there I am, pretzeled up into some weird configuration, yet somehow magically stepping in silence, often at speed. Most recently, I experienced this in The Evil Within. Check out this video:
I dare you to spend five minutes walking around your house like that. Bonus if you can do it outside on an uneven surface, and if you can get someone to moan in the distance or fire up a chainsaw, but that may be asking too much. Oh, you can do it? You don’t feel like you just got twisted up in a wrestling match beatdown? All right, well, go do it again, and do it silently. Because we’re sneaking, right?
I don’t mean to rag on The Evil Within; it’s not like they’re alone in this. Everyone does it. While there are exceptions, this weird bent-over stealth mode business is standard. Where’s this come from? Some video game historian please come in here and tell me who thought it was a good idea, in a situation in which you are sneaking and need to be aware of body weight and pressure, but also might actually need to move fast, aim weapons, and/or get the hell out, that you’d walk around like this? It reminds me of the movie Silverado, when Jeff Fahey’s Tyree rolls around like that, crouching in sinister fashion (except in a way that actually allows mobility). And guess what? He dies.
I love it when games offer cover and a chance to slip unseen from place to place. I want to sneak. But I cannot do it effectively if I am giggling at some weird slide-step-slide-hump walk in third person. Get it together, y’all.
Sometimes it’s funny (on purpose?). I remember one of the first times I noticed slip-sliding around in stealth mode was in Goldeneye, if I remember correctly, and we’d all skate around in multiplayer, cackling (until someone played Oddjob and no one could ever shoot them, because he was reduced to the approximate size of a thimble). Related, but similar was Playstation’s Bushido Blade, when you could knock out each others’ legs and then roll through the levels. Somebody needs to bring back that kind of good, clean, limb-destroying fun. But in the general sense, I’m always happier when people move like people would.
Like the above? Looks like a ready-to-move pose to me. Crouched, but weight distributed, ready to move to the next bit of cover, weapon not quite at the ready, but can easily get there. Whereas…
But this? Nah. I mean, try to recreate that. I almost slid across my office floor and face-planted into the printer stand. Sure, I’m not exactly a tomb raider or anything, but I can generally move in a human fashion. I have had mastery of my limbs for some time now.
But all things considered, this is a small thing, a funny thing, and like Liefeld’s muscles that grow muscles on top of muscles, probably something we’re stuck with. There will be better examples, and worse, and so long as the stealth mode is actually worth a damn, I can probably stifle my giggles.
